weelcome to my world

Since everyone always talks about tumblr still & cracks up. I decided to revive my accnt lol

Ive been extra lazy to post anything on tumblr. & twitter got the best of me. Anyway. Xaiden is almost two. I cannot believe howfast time flies. :) august is rite around the corner & im gna be only 20 but i thank god for the 20 years of my life. Idk wat im gna do yet but august is def my month lol. I hope. Thinkin bout buyin me the ipad for school. Its so amazing & itll make things easier for me since im mostly takin online classes right? Gym has been a no no for me. I work everyday & wen i come home i gotta do summer school work & take care of xai that i dont find the time to go. & weekends is my rest/fun days where i wana just say “fuck it” & have a blast. So yeah. Me & xai is doin good on our own. We dnt need an unsupportive daddy to bring us down. & i promised xai im gna get my degree & support him^_^ so toodles for now.

Lifes beeen real hard & shit. Its up & down & i feel like the only single mom gettin no help from the babydaddy at all:( so i recently put a TRO on him. Yup. Hes a psycho person & its sad that i had to do it but i did. I was at the gym alone then his two friends come in then he comes later. He yells at me askin if i came with them! & i dont even talk to them for shit!! So he yells & grabs my water & pours it on me. It may not seem like anything & just water but its not. I was hurt. He has no respect for me. & we havent been together since last year so what the hell. Well he has done alot of fucked up things & i have to bring it all up! When i was pregnant he used to push me on the bed. At prom while i was pregnant he locked me in the bathroom turnes off the lights & i swear we were all out fighting in there. I was 4 months. In my old honda he punched my windshield & it cracked. I had to lie to my parents about it! Every single time he used to pinch me & i had bruises all over. He did punch my face one time. While i drive he would pull mu seat belt and choke me & i was pregnant. In front of my lil siblings too! They were jus hopeless watching:( its so sad that i let this happen. Its sad that i let him take control of my life. Its sad that i was weak. So now. Now im strong as ever & im going to teach this drug dealer who gets high on his own supply a lesson! He needs to change his ways. & i hope noone feels any pity for his ass because nobody knows him like i did! Ugh i jus had to. Bye.

this weekend was fuun yeah. but when i go overboard overboard and get to the part where i cant even walk or i black out or even throw up is so disgusting and wrong. i have to not let myself be that kinda person. i know i must look so sloppy which is so shame. -_- well went out with team sukix2. lol. we just were kidding about that but i love them. its so fun. Theres Shantelle Aglanao, Chantelle Esteban, Sharel Pagador, Damien Lopes, Joseph Alameda and Justin Lujan. yeah just us 7. but i like how were all down to have fun and i dont get erked with these people. even though i must be totatally irritating lol. i feel so bad because shan told me that i always pull her shirt down or push her or ignore her when im drunk. and i hate that i do that to her because shes my best best friend and if i knew i was doing that i would stop. yeah, when im drinking i cant see or i cant hear, or i cant control. so so bad. fuck.

miss my girl, my bff, my first friend of kapolei-JEENA KANANI LADINES as known on tumblr-do whatever makes you happy. i love her to death. and she always comes in my head. i dont see her anymore and part of it is my fault. as a friend i was wrong to have bitched and erked the person she loves and lives with. as a friend i have to be by her side no matter what and what makes her happy should make me happy too. i just miss my best friend that i could totally open up to and i trust her 110 percent. wherever you are kanani, give me a ring once in a while. i love you and im always here for you. 

I spend more $ then i fucking have. I need a suga daddy lol. Nah i can take care of myself. Well neway i jus went to city nails & blew 150.00. Fml. I wanted to say take off my nails i dont want it lol. So bad.

Change subj: Its so coold. My room is freezing! I hate it. Cold & me dont go togetha.

Change subj: Im still lonely af. -_-

Change subj: Im bein so goofy ryy now with this change subj shit lol. Neway, i think im goin out friday. After lunch with my bffs. We gonna reunite & talktalktalk. Then possibly head to waikiki.

Kk bye im done. Lol.

atothemandax3 asked: Aizha,

I know we didn't really ever talk, but I just wanted to let you know that you're doing a good job with your life and that you're very strong and that one day you WILL find someone who will love you, and Xaiden, for who you are. No, things didn't work out between you and HIM but I believe that you are such a strong girl and that one day some other man will realize that. Sure, there isn't a man in your life now, but one day, I think there will be. I know it's lonely now; just hang in there. I wouldn't be able to go through what you have and I admire your strength and perseverance.

Just thought you needed a little pick-me-up. I know I don't know you that well, but sometimes someone needs some encouragement, dontcha think? :)

Stay strong and keep your head up, girl. <3

-Amanda

aww that was really sweet of you amanda! thank you so much. highly appreciated. ;)

its only been a couple months since me and the BD hasnt been together but honestly, i feel like ive been alone for a long long time. it just wasnt going the way we wanted it and for the longest time i just felt alone even though he was physically there i didnt feel it. i didnt feel anything. i know its sad but i think its just that we rushed too fast. sounds bad but we only were going out for like two months and i got knocked up. then throughout my whole pregnancy it was fighting and fighting and fighting and it drove me crazy but like almost every pregnant girl you think you have to stay with this guy forever because he is your baby dad. but no once xaiden was born i think like a month after we broke up-again. and then from december 2009-May2010 i think we were separated. then we did this shit again and tried again till like august. i remember it was my birthday thats why. and at that time everyone was just dogging on him and i was so fed up with it all i couldnt take it. and then october we got back together again.FUCK now i sound ridiculous but this is all the truth. then when i came back from my trip with my family i got tired again. i get tired fast with our relationship. and i broke up with him in december 2010 again and till this day were still not together and yes you may think only for now but this time its so different. dont get me wrong he did make me happy at a point. there was our laughs and our great outings and adventures and we were happy at times. but when you outweigh the PROS and CONS there are just to much CONS which is so bad. it makes me not want to try anymore. i always hear the same thing-“ill change this time i PROMISE”. and idk if im just so gullable or stupid but either way i lose. i just feel so empty inside. when i was in high school all my friends had these long relationships and i was always wanting that. i was like the runt of the bunch. and i just rushed with him and this is how it all played out. i feel like shit honestly. i always wanted that butterfly feeling. this is such a sad post for me. i sound like a emotional wreck. i think xaiden was brought into this world for me because he is the only man that will be in my life taking care of me when he gets older. i really dont think love and relationships dont go with me. it wasnt made for me. they say someone is out there for everyone and yeah, xaiden is my someone. i really have no hope as of now to find “the one”. i had such bad past relationships that it doesnt even give me faith. all of them turned out wrong and even though those people may have given me feelings that i wanted, it takes two to run a relationship and i felt like i was the only one feeling great and my partner just turned their back and before i knew it gone gone gone. im at that breaking point of giving up on this shit. i love seeing couples happy and having fun and doing things that i never did. it just kinda makes me feel more like a loner. im so lost i dont even make sense anymore. im done. 

how can one miss what shes never had?

ive been thinking bout chu going crazyy. lmfao just kidding. neway its almost 11. and im partnerless. i feel so fucking lonely that its not even funny anymore. i dont wanna give in to anyone though. not at this time. it just sucks. someone HELP me. when i go out at night with my girls i love it but it only takes away the pain of loneliness for like a couple of hours. and when i wake up in the morning i just feel that shit all over again. ugh why me? 

charenceam asked: I've decided to give out downloads to this song even if you are following me or not.
And since you were one of the people who reblogged my post I feel you deserve to be one of the first to have it. I want to thank you. I greatly appreciate it.

If You Wonder - Jeff Bernat (cover) By: Charence:
http://hulkshare.com/yl0kwosojx9g

It's up to you if you want to download it. And it's up to you if you want to post this message on your blog or you can delete it after you download it.

Thank you for the support you've given :)

OMG sorry char. i just read this just now! lol so fail. but thanks.

I been goin out every weekend almost. Ever since school started. In a way its bad because it makes me so lazy lol. But its becomin such a bad habbit. “/ i told myself i was going to lock myself down but i totally failed & went out last night. Hmph. Lastnite was alright though. Fun while it lasted just goes by too fast. Im thinkin of throwin somethin at my house this weekend. Somethin small. Then the 18th of march i got the snooks thingy @ wet&wild & then my friends bday party. Oh damn. Then its spring break week. & im not about to cozy & lazy myself up in tha hissouse. Lol. But still i know this is gettin a lil overboard sometimes. Gotta cut it down.